Couldn’t Put it Down

Because February was a leap year this year I missed this months blog (that is my excuse).

I am just coming out of a night duty fog, it was great today to go to work in the daylight and to see my patients. To interact with them rather than to see them sleeping and then handover to the oncoming staff information about people that I had not seen except that is to snore and breathe (thank goodness for that).

I finished a draft chapter of my thesis last month (Feb) and I sent if off to my supervisor for a quick review. I was very pleased to get it back the same day with the comment, “I couldn’t put it down.” I think I will remember those words for ever. When it gets tough (and I know it will) I will remember those words and be inspired to remember that I can do it! At times I have lots of self-doubt, and I am sure that we all do have varying versions of our own self-doubt. Recalled from childhood, when things went wrong, when we didn’t know that the thing wrong was not us, not the core of who we were, not the real person or child but that child who was learning to be a confident person, and when things went wrong we were punished. Maybe in just a small way, may be just an angry word or a look…but there you have it the beginning of self-doubt. I read a comment today that said something like, we are adults who are stitched together by the different parts of our childhood, I really thought that there was some truth to this.

I am now about half way through my thesis that is to say around about 40,000 words have been written thus far. I think that this is amazing as it does not seem to be a chore to write (perhaps I am doing something wrong);   it seems relatively  easy depending on how lazy I am feeling on the day or how energetic. I enjoy writing, I didn’t think that I would but it is great to find out that I do. Perhaps the crash will come later on in the journey. I was also pleased to get my ethics approval back with no changes required, another task completed. And so on it goes.

I am at the data collection of my theses and I think that this is the reason why I am finding it so interesting. I also found today after a heavy day of writing yesterday that my nursing had changed. Not my nursing but my communication with the patients had changed just a little. I was recalling the words of the patients in my thesis which was making me incredibly mindful of their feelings. The women with oesophageal cancer, going home on a day pass and the bent up women who couldn’t move her body being visited by her son. I had a certain increase in compassion and a deeper insight to their emotions after writing 15000 words on the subject…a great outcome! Perhaps this insight will come to others who read my work, I hope so.


About Jennifer Carter

I am currently undertaking a PhD on End of Life studies. I have created this blog to discuss with you matters related to end of life.
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